Cristiano Ronaldo announces new app with completely baffling teaser-trailer

What the hell is going on?

Cristiano Ronaldo is set to release a smartphone app, we know that for sure. Now, what exactly the app will do is anyone's guess. The Real Madrid superstar made the announcement recently on Instagram with a short advertisement that will leave anyone who watched it more confused than anything. From the get-go your ears are assaulted by an obnoxiously repetitive stock music jingle which really sets the tone for the whole experience. Your vision is the next sense to be attacked, along with you intelligence as buzz phrases in giant gaudy font flash on the screen. We finish off with a coup de grace to the ears in the form of a voiceover that sounds like it was recorded on a Fisher Price Tape Recorder (ask your parents or an older sibling). The unenthusiastic personality promises us that this magical app will allow whoever purchases it to "take their Cristiano Ronaldo fan status to the next level"... whatever that means. We assume it's some sort of feed for all his social media accounts or some other kind of service that offers updates on the footballer, but that's purely based on assumption. I guess we'll all find out on August 9.

Are you ready to spend some time with me? ? ? I have great news coming your way. Stay tuned! Coming on 9th August

A video posted by Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano) on Aug 4, 2016 at 1:31am PDT