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Published 10:38 6 Jun 2015 BST
Updated 23:51 6 Jun 2015 BST
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Although much of the analysis is superfluous and clearly aimed at an American audience, there are some fascinating snippets amongst the Troy McClure-isms.
For instance, ESPN's John Brenkus explains that the Argentine's acceleration of 19.5 mph is comparable to that of Kansas City Chiefs' running back Jamaal Charles, who is known for his tremendous pace.
Another really interesting fact is that during the 60 yard dribble to goal, the ball is only more than two feet away from Messi's body twice, which is an amazing testament to his close control at speed.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the garden with my Adidas Tango and a protractor...
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