Man United celebrate Dani Alves staying at Barcelona

Manchester United were enjoying another significant victory on Tuesday, as Dani Alves agreed a new contract with Barcelona...

Hot on the heels of becoming the world's first billion dollar sporting franchise, the Red Devils were jubilant that the 32-year-old wingback was remaining at the Nou Camp. As Chief Executive Ed Woodward explained: "It's great to know we're finally football's biggest bargaining chip once more. You've no idea how we've missed being given the run around like this. "For a while, the world's best footballers had stopped using the name of Manchester United to leverage better deals out of their current clubs. "Agents had started to reference the likes of Manchester City and Paris Saint-Germain to negotiate more lucrative contracts for their clients, but we're back on top!" Woodward went on to explain that although United hadn't won this particular transfer battle, they were winners in the far greater backpage war. "Our interest in Alves was very real, and at one point we thought he was ours," said the Ian Hislop-alike. "But it eventually became clear that we'd been strung along for weeks. I felt so used, but in a good way!" Woodward has little time to bask in his latest glory; Ilkay Gundogan, Petr Cech and Paul Pogba are all negotiating deals elsewhere and are keen to be flattered by United's interest.