The Paul Pogba to Manchester United stories are tedious in the extreme.
United fans, Juventus supporters and basically everyone else on the planet apart from maybe Pogba and Mino Raiola are sick to the back teeth of the incessant claims, counter-claims, rumours and speculation. Whether it's going to happen or not, everyone just wants it to be over.
But what if it doesn't go through? Is that it? Surely there's got to be alternative options, right? There must be plenty of midfielders out there who could strengthen Mourinho's midfield and spare the fans from Marouane Fellaini. We decided to offer up some possible alternatives...
Aaron Ramsey
Club: Arsenal
Age: 25
Pros: He was excellent for Wales in the European Championships, and doesn't really get the chance to flourish at Arsenal because of Mesut Ozil - so he'll fit straight into not getting the chance to flourish at United because of Wayne Rooney.
Cons: The state of his hair.
Likelihood: Not for sale but for £100m he bloody would be.
Ivan Rakitic
Club: Barcelona
Age: 28
Pros: Technically gifted, always chips in with important goals and always works his arse off. Also the signing of André Gomes may limit his first-team opportunities at the Nou Camp.
Cons: Have you seen the state of his
Instagram? He's massively loved up with his other half and therefore unlikely to generate any salacious tabloid headlines. Bad news for the gutter press.
Likelihood: Not for sale but for £100m he bloody would be.
Toni Kroos
Club: Real Madrid
Age: 26
Pros: He never gives the ball away and basically controls the tempo of the game with his metronomic passing. Also his shooting from range means his poses a constant goalscoring threat.
Cons: He's German and a midfielder, and football fan logic dictates that you base your opinion of a player on your last player of the same nationality, regardless of their individual attributes. So his legs are gone just like Schweinsteiger.
Likelihood: Not for sale but for £100m he bloody would be.
Joao Mario
Club: Sporting CP
Age: 23
Pros: He is someone who offers plenty going forward in terms of vision and creativity, whilst at the same time showing the work-rate and willingness to track back that Jose Mourinho looks for in a player.
Cons: He didn't have a great European Championships, even though Portugal won the trophy, and of course you can totally judge a player on a handful of international games after a energy-sapping domestic season.
Likelihood: He plays for a Portuguese team so they'll probably demand £173m.
Nemanja Matic
Club: Chelsea
Age: 27
Pros: The big Serbian has proved at both Benfica and Chelsea that at his best he is an absolute machine, able to dominate the centre of the park with his strength and running power.
Cons: He's been shite recently, and even though the rest of the team has been shite too, part of his shiteness may have been attributable to Mourinho, who was also busy being shite at the same time.
Likelihood: Probably for sale and around a third of £100m would be more than enough.
Blaise Matuidi
Club: Paris Saint-Germain
Age: 29
Pros: He's never stops running, has the stamina of a four-lunged swallow, and would provide United with the pacy mobility and defensive cover that they've not enjoyed since Paul Ince.
Cons: Not a sexy enough 'name', which is ironic because 'Blaise' is an inherently sexy name. "Hi, I'm Blaise. Let's have sex..." - see?
Likelihood: He's for sale and for £100m they'd probably throw in a Serge Aurier or two, like when you buy an expensive Eau de Parfum and they give you some free samples and spray a bit on the tissue paper.
Marco Verratti
Club: Paris Saint-Germain
Age: 23
Pros: Ridiculously talented footballer who, despite his age, is wasted in the French league. He would grace any team in the world and is the natural heir to the Pirlo deep-lying playmaker crown. If such a thing exists. Which it almost certainly does.
Cons: He's prettier than most WAGs and would therefore cause jealousy and friction.
Likelihood: No chance. Zip. Nada. Even for £100m. Move on.
Anderson Talisca
Club: Benfica
Age: 22
Pros: He's Pogba-lite. Paul Pogba: The Next Generation. Pogba, but with an female-cast and men who are angry about it. Same lanky yet imposing physique, similar attacking threat and playmaking abilities.
Cons: He's young and raw and his name sounds like a drug you take to sooth your anal canal in the unfortunate case of haemorrhoids.
Likelihood: United will bid £100m for him after he eventually signs for Juventus in a year or two.
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