Amanda, by The Geordie singer
Look, to a degree, you can't blame Newcastle fans for being so happy that Mike Ashley's 14-year tenure as owner of the club is finally over.
For the first time in a long time, they've money - lots and lots and lots of money - to spend on Steve Bruce's their squad. St. James' Park and the club's training ground might also be in for a badly needed overhaul, too.
And sure, there may be a few who are keen to ask some awkward questions about their new owners' very, very close links to the Saudi Arabian state (they're definitely not the same thing guys, honest), but purely in a football sense, it's hard to imagine Newcastle won't go very close to actually winning something in the not-too-distant future.
With that in mind, the arrival of Amanda Staveley - the new Newcastle United director and integral cog in the deal that saw the Saudi consortium takeover the club - provides hope for all Magpies fans.
It also warrants a song, right? Right?
No?
Well, frankly, whether you agree with that or not, it doesn't matter. There already is a song, dedicated to Staveley herself.
In what has been an eventful and, at times, weird-as-fuck few days on Tyneside, a song entitled Amanda - to the tune of Barry Manilow's Mandy - has arrived on YouTube courtesy of the The Geordie Singer.
For the purpose of what follows, we urge you to at least try to listen to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pUfYNnm1wQ
Congratulations if you made it the whole way through. If you didn't, fear not. We've gone to the trouble of not only bashing out all of its lyrics, but also analysing the meaning behind them... probably in a little bit too much depth, if we're honest.
Still, we hope it helps. If only in some small way.
First verse:
I remember all my life, supporting the black and whites
That's fair enough, Newcastle United do have an incredible fanbase - some of whom have been supporting them for decades. So far so good.
Legends in our team, super memories, Shearer and Gazza and Beardsley, so many
Shearer is the all-time Premier League top goalscorer, Paul Gascoigne is arguably one of the most talented footballers this country has ever seen and Peter Beardsley is a Magpies great, so that's certainly a fair shout.
But that was so long ago, Ashley came to spoil the show
Ah, Mike Ashley. The man more bothered about selling giant Sports Direct mugs than investing in the football club he owns. He really did not care about Newcastle United.
A beautiful woman, Amanda her name, had a vision to make us great again
Amanda Staveley has got big plans to transform United into a footballing giant that can compete on the world stage - having literally billions upon billions of definitely-not-Saudi-state money to pump in should help, mind.
Amanda, you came and you saved us from Ashley
Can't disagree, Newcastle needed saving from that man. Badly.
You took him away, Amanda
Took him where? Where's away? Not Ashley's biggest fan, but I do hope he's safe.
You fixed it to save the Toon Army
Oh come on, it's not even been a week yet. Newcastle are still 19th and Steve Bruce is still the manager. 'Fixed' might be a stretch, right now at least.
Yeah we love you today, Amanda
You don't love her, you love the financial benefits that come with her and the Saudi Public Investment Fund. Let's not get carried away.
Second verse:
Standing here St. James' Park, you came to take us out the dark
Speaking of St. James' Park, that stadium could really do with a lick of paint.
From now on up the league, we'll be climbing
Again, you're still 19th. Don't get it twisted, you'll certainly climb the table when Kylian Mbappe and Erling Haaland sign, but for now, focus on staying in the division. You can crack on with upgrading the playing staff in the January window. That's a whole ten weeks off.
You are our hero, you came to save us
The definition of hero: a person who is admired for their courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities. What are Amanda's 'noble qualities'? Com£ on, w£ all know the answ£r to that.
Chorus:
Amanda, you came and you saved us from Ashley
That Mike Ashley bloke really was awful.
Yeah you took him away, Amanda
"Paid him away" would've been more accurate.
You fixed it to save the toon army
The Toon Army are amazing, to be fair.
Yeah we love you today, Amanda
As previously mentioned, I'm sceptical about the word 'you' in this line.
Third verse:
A trophy is a dream, we just want glory
Can't blame Newcastle fans one bit for dreaming about winning a trophy.
Head full of memories, the change is coming
The perfect line and one that encapsulates Newcastle United in eight words. The club's history is spectacular, but now is the time to create new memories.
Chorus:
Amanda, you came and you saved us from Ashley
<Insert something about Mike Ashley being a terrible owner here>
Yeah you took him away, Amanda
Genuinely concerned for his welfare at this stage.
You fixed it to save the toon army
Did you know, in some ways, Geordie speech is a direct continuation and development of the language spoken by the Anglo-Saxon settlers of this region? Me neither.
Yeah we love you today, Amanda
Be careful, Amanda - it's just today they love you. A couple of £50million players should help your cause, though.
Final chorus:
Amanda, you came and you saved us from Ashley
She may have saved Newcastle from Ashley, but you can guarantee those big mugs I previously mentioned are going to increase in price because of this. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.
Yeah you took him away, Amanda
Adios, Mr. Billionaire.
You fixed it to save the toon army
Really struggling to analyse 'saving the toon army' at this point.
Yeah we looooovvveee youuuu
Mixing it up a bit, I like it.
Yeah we looooovvveee youuuu
What a way to end this song. Can't wait to hear it being belted out from the Gallowgate End. Or not.
