Hold on to your espadrilles, good folk of Great Britain, as I bear foreboding news.
Lunatic lefty and all round danger to national security
Jeremy Corbyn’s election manifesto has been leaked by a principled and loyal member of his team, who only has the best interests of the country at heart.
This manifesto is neither strong nor stable. In fact, strength and stability are rarely mentioned, if at all.
Allow me to give you an overview as to the dark, dark place Britain could become if – heaven forbid – the hapless commie gets within sniffing distance of Downing Street.
Health
That crank Corbyn is pledging – get this – an extra £6 billion a year to the NHS by taxing high earners. He is literally taking money from the rich and giving it to the sick. Disgusting. He also wants to review planned closures to hospitals and A&Es, because apparently some people can’t get enough of healthcare.
The monster also wants to spend £250m per year on children’s health.
Business
Commie Corbyn and his Trotsky chums want to increase corporation tax to 25%, instead of waiting for the wealth to trickle down via magic and witchcraft, like any normal person.
Another way the hapless socialist will fund his spending spree is to increase income tax for those just about managing on £80,000 per year. That’s the top 5% of earners to you and me. What have they ever done to deserve that?
Workers’ rights
Workers' rights! Now we are straying into the bad old days of workers having rights. If I know what workers need, and I don’t, it’s not rights. Apparently Jezza wants a clampdown on exploitation, a boost to employee power and strengthened trade unions.
In another bizarre move, Red Jez (red is the colour of communism, which is bad) plans to sort our redundancy laws to bring them more into line with other parts of Europe (remember them?). In other words, you won’t be able to be fired from your job for a laugh. Like, they’ll need a legit reason and everything.
A further display of virtue-signalling by the terrorist sympathiser sees him wanting to double paid paternity leave, forcing employers to pay for unscrupulous new dads to stay home and bond with their children.
Finally, the disastrous Labour leader wants to introduce statutory bereavement leave. The blood boils.
Housing
I can’t believe I’m typing this, but the threat to your country and your family wants to build 100,000 council houses every year. We’re full, Jez!
In a blow to honest, hard-working landlords, he only wants to go and cap rent increases to inflation. Landlords have got mortgages to pay too, arsehole!
Pensions
The Labour leader wants to review Tory plans to increase the state pension age. In other words, he wants to force people out of work and onto benefits at an earlier age.
Education
As previously announced, Corbyn is pledging to offer all primary-aged children free school meals. Isn’t it about time that primary-aged children started paying their fair share?
Defence
In perhaps the maddest move of all, Corbyn has promised to literally think twice before firing our nukes.
YOU MIGHT NOT NEED TO FIRE THEM, JEREMY. IF YOU GET INTO GOVERNMENT WITH YOUR LOONY LEFTY POLICIES AND YOUR WELFARE STATE AND YOUR SOCIAL HOUSING AND FULLY FUNCTIONING NHS, THIS PLACE MAY WELL ALREADY BE A DESOLATE, POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND.
