Epic obituary for man who “had no knowledge of the Kardashians” goes viral

An American veteran jumped off the mortal coil with the write-up of a lifetime.

Terry Wayne Ward, 71, died on Tuesday at Southlake Methodist Hospital, leading his daughter to write a hilarious obituary.

Jean Lahm told the Chicago Tribune she wanted to present her Vietnam veteran father to the world as "the everyday guy" he was who loved to make people laugh.

She asked mourners to make a donation to the local watering hole and "tie a few on" for the late, great Terry Ward. [caption id="attachment_160065" align="alignnone" width="1200"] Terry Ward died on Tuesday (Credit: Geisen Funeral Home)[/caption]

The internet responded to the death notice in resounding fashion, with a general expression of "I didn't know you, but now I wish I did."

Ward's obituary portrays him as your average bloke, a guy who "borrowed" things from work and loved to listen to music and have a beer, or 10.

"He couldn’t give a damn about most material things, and automobiles were never to be purchased new," Lahm wrote of her father.

"He never owned a personal cell phone and had zero working knowledge of the Kardashians."

[caption id="attachment_160072" align="alignnone" width="3642"] Kim Kardashian West attends an award ceremony (Credit: Charley Gallay)[/caption]

He was also clearly set in his ways and a little bit stubborn, like most people over the age of 70.

"He despised "uppity foods" like hummus, which his family lovingly called "bean dip" for his benefit, which he loved consequently," Lahm wrote.

The eulogy hit home with writer John Moe, who tweeted on Friday:

"I think the greatest regret of my life is not knowing Terry Ward during his. Because he sounds awesome."

https://twitter.com/johnmoe/status/956918783037333504

The Vietnam combat veteran was apparently a constant source of entertainment for his family, who loved him tremendously.

"Terry is survived by his overly-patient and accepting wife Kathy, who was the love of his life (a fact she gladly accepted sympathy for during their 48 years of marriage).

He is also survived by "daughters Rebecca (William) Hines and Jean (Jeff) Lahm; sister, Linda; brother, Phil; grandchildren: Alexander and Hannah Hines (The Mesopotamians), Daphne and Erin Pistello (The Daffer and Peanut), Brendan and Owen Lahm (Phineas and Ferb) and Tessa McMurry (Smiley)."

The Obituary in full

Name: Terry Wayne Ward

Born: December 31, 1946 

Died: January 23, 2018 

Terry Wayne Ward, age 71, of DeMotte, IN, escaped this mortal realm on Tuesday, January 23rd, 2018, leaving behind 32 jars of Miracle Whip, 17 boxes of Hamburger Helper and multitudes of other random items that would prove helpful in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Terry is survived by his overly-patient and accepting wife Kathy, who was the love of his life (a fact she gladly accepted sympathy for during their 48 years of marriage). He is also survived by daughters Rebecca (William) Hines and Jean (Jeff) Lahm; sister, Linda; brother, Phil; grandchildren: Alexander and Hannah Hines (The Mesopotamians), Daphne and Erin Pistello (The Daffer and Peanut), Brendan and Owen Lahm (Phineas and Ferb) and Tessa McMurry (Smiley).

He is preceded in death by his parents Paul and Bernice Ward, daughter Laura Pistello, grandson Vincent Pistello, brother Kenneth Ward, a 1972 Rambler and a hip.

Terry graduated from Thornridge High School in South Holland, IL, where only three of his teachers took an early retirement after having had him as a student. He met the love of his life, Kathy, by telling her he was a lineman – he didn’t specify early on that he was a lineman for the phone company, not the NFL. Still, Kathy and Terry wed in the fall of 1969, perfectly between the Summer of Love and the Winter of Regret.

Terry volunteered his service in the United States Army and was an active combat Veteran in the Viet Nam War.

He retired from AT&T (formerly Ameritech, formerly formerly Indiana Bell) after 39 years of begrudging service, where he accumulated roughly 3,000 rolls of black electrical tape during the course of his career (which he used for everything from open wounds to “Don’t use this button” covers).

He enjoyed many, many things. Among those things were hunting, fishing, golfing, snorkeling, ABBA, hiking Turkey Run, chopping wood, shooting guns, Bed Bath & Beyond, starlight mints, cold beer, free beer, The History Channel, CCR, war movies, discussing who makes the best pizza, The Chicago White Sox, old Buicks, and above all, his family.

He was a renowned distributor of popsicles and ice cream sandwiches to his grandchildren. He also turned on programs such as “Phineas and Ferb” for his grand-youngins, usually when they were actually there.

He despised “uppity foods” like hummus, which his family lovingly called “bean dip” for his benefit, which he loved consequently. He couldn’t give a damn about most material things, and automobiles were never to be purchased new. He never owned a personal cell phone and he had zero working knowledge of the Kardashians.

Terry died knowing that The Blues Brothers was the best movie ever, (young) Clint Eastwood was the baddest-ass man on the planet, and hot sauce can be added to absolutely any food.

Tremendous and heartfelt thanks go to the truly exceptional nurses at Southlake Methodist Hospital Neuro-Intensive Care Unit, who provided much more than nursing care for Terry, but also provided a peaceful and compassionate environment during his transition from this life to the next.

Friends can visit with the family on Saturday, January 27, from Noon until the time of the Funeral Service at 4:00 PM, with Pastor Mark Wilkins officiating, at Geisen Funeral, Cremation & Receptions Centre, 606 E. 113th Ave., Crown Point, IN. Services will conclude at the funeral home.

Memorial donations in Terry’s name can be made to your favorite charity or your favorite watering hole, where you are instructed to tie a few on and tell a few stories of the great Terry Ward.