A harsh but fair analysis of this year’s most ridiculous Eurovision song lyrics

Eurovision is insane, just FYI.

Between the artists, their outfits, the unnecessary props and even the fans, it is an absolute trip from start to finish. One area that often gets overlooked is the utterly batshit lyrics that these songs contain. Language barriers sometimes stand in the way, but once you see these lyrics written down, you're not going to sleep for weeks. Because I've literally nothing else to do with my time, I've been examining the lyrics of some of this year's Eurovision entries and let me tell you, they are certainly something. Here's the most ridiculous of the bunch.

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'We Got Love' - Jessica Mauboy (Australia)

"I won't throw my hands up to surrender 'Cause love is stronger than fire So don't, don't give up 'Cause we got love, 'cause we got love"

You're trapped in a house fire with your lover. You refuse the firefighter's instructions to vacate the house immediately because you firmly believe that your love will quench the flames. The smoke starts spilling into your love-filled room. As it seeps its way into your lungs, your breaths are becoming harder and harder to take. 'Cause we got love' you and your lover say to each other in unison as you begin to perish together, still very much inlove. 'Cause they had love', it says on your joint headstone. Don't be an idiot. Test your smoke alarm and do not be misled by your love's capabilities. This is a dangerous message for Eurovision to be promoting. Nothing is stronger than fire.   'Nobody But You' - Cesár Sampson (Austria)

"Lord, I’m gonna get so high tonight I’m gonna let the floodgates open wide I’m in open water This is what I need"

Step aside please folks, The Fun Haver has arrived and he is here to let everyone know that he will be dabbling in some narcotics this evening. He's 'gonna get so high' to the point that he will be immersing himself in a body of water because that is what absolute legends do when they get out of their bin on drugs. Specifically how is he going to get high? Well that's absolutely none of your business, pal. All you need to know is that this man is so intimidatingly cool, he talks about taking drugs long before he actually takes them. It's like going for a walk in the park for him, such is his familiarity with drugs. Those floodgates will open WIDE, wide enough to fit his big bag of drugs that he's got in tow. That's what he needs. Sorry if that offends you, but he simply doesn't care.   'Fuego' - Eleni Foureira (Cyprus)

"I was looking for some high-high-highs, yeah 'Til I got a dose of you You got me pelican fly-fly-flyin'"

Cyprus, until know, has given us two incredible things: Stavros Flatley and Aphrodite. Now, it has graced us with some of the most beautiful song lyrics the world has ever seen. Just kidding, they're garbage. Specifically what are 'high-high-highs'? If this is another drug reference, Eurovision needs to refine its policies regarding the promotion of gear. The most nonsense line, perhaps of the entire competition, comes in the form of Eleni's admission that 'You got me pelican fly-fl-flyin''. Why does the form of flying that she's doing need to be specified as that of a pelican? Pelicans fly like any other birds. Stop trying to be poetic. We get it, you sometimes take more than paracetamol to dull the pain of everyday life.   'Lie To Me' - Mikolas Josef (Czech Republic)

"She rocking high heels Prada, her face like Madonna By the way she moved, got me making a puddle Baby I already knew you would be nothing but a trouble Damn it everybody knows she never loved for real Honey bunny up all night wannabe couple goals queen"

An awful lot to unpack here, let's start with the comparison of having a face like Madonna. Madonna is 59-year-old woman, so comparing anyone's appearance to hers is a risky choice, unless the person is well over 59, in which case it's a huge compliment. The concept of "making a puddle' is deeply disturbing, because it suggests that the singer is either pissing himself or producing other fluids, neither of which are a comfortable thing to visualise. 'Wannabe couple goals queen' suggests that he has selected the prompted words in iMessage predictive text, when trying to sound like a cool teen. But don't worry, it gets even worse.

"Then it got heavy, Mom I'm feeling home already But steady plenty motherfuckers wanna eat my spaghetti Then she got one of my friends She got him dripping on wood I know it hurt so bad but it feels so good"

Eminem will surely be receiving royalties for this song, whether he wants them or not. Also, never assume that anyone wants to eat your spaghetti, as a good rule of thumb. 'She got him dripping on wood', is an outrage. You cannot drip wood, only liquids drip. The properties of wood are not conducive to dripping, everybody knows this. Mikolas could've saved himself a lot of bother writing this song by simply changing the lyrics to 'Sex, I have had it'. These lyrics are garbage. I am never going to the Czech Republic specifically because of this terrible song.   'Outlaw In 'Em' - Waylon (The Netherlands)

"It's a fine, fine line Between whiskey, and water, into wine"

'A fine line' means a subtle distinction, right? Well old Waylon buddy boy is full of it in that case, because there's a pretty massive difference between whiskey, water and wine. For example, having a tall glass of whiskey with your dinner at home alone is often frowned upon, but replace that with water or wine and you're golden. Similarly, if you choose to hydrate with wine during a workout class, the instructor will swiftly ask you to leave, embarrassing you in front of the entire class. Whiskey, water and wine do not have 'a fine, fine line' between them. They are very different, Waylon. I know you just wanted something to rhyme with 'line', but the lyrics also need to make sense.

"Everybody's got a couple scarred up knuckles Blood on their boots and their back-off buckle Diamondback rattle with a quick strike venom Everybody's got a little outlaw in 'em"

Based on the criteria listed above, I feel at liberty to disclose that I absolutely do not have any outlaw in myself. My knuckles are pristine, my boots are blood-free and buckle-less. I am also at present not in possession of a venomous snake. This sweeping generalisation is extremely presumptuous. If we're going to allow our Eurovision entries to use misguided lyrics, where do we draw the line? Are they also going to be allowed to sing in their native languages, denying us the opportunity to make fun of their words because Google translate is simply too much effort? Arseholes. Outlaw them all immediately.   'Who We Are' - Jessika (San Marino)

"It's me, Jenny B, what you get is what you see As for Jess over here, she's a special VIP So you better listen carefully If they dissin' you on Twitter Don't get sad, don't be bitter, don't give up or be a quitter Show them you're better (yeah, hell no) If they say so, get in the car, rev it up, and be it a star"

I was unsure whether what I got was what I saw with Jenny B, so luckily she's clarified that one. As for Jess, I knew she was a VIP, that much is abundantly clear, but a special one at that? We are lucky to have them in our presence at Eurovision 2018. As instructed, we must listen carefully. To successfully beat the Twitter trolls, whom will expectantly be out in force on Saturday night (myself included), we must get in our cars and rev the engine for a while. This will harm the environment and contribute to global warming, thereby shortening the lifespan of these trolls, but ultimately our own lives as well. Not to worry, such is the price we must pay for peace. Thank you, Jenny B, for your sage wisdom and advice. We are forever in your debt. If you don't win Eurovision, perhaps you could turn your hand to literature, something you very clearly have quite a flair for.