Remembering the single greatest TV advert of our time: The Ped Egg

How much egg would a ped egg peg if a ped egg could peg eggs?

Cast your mind back to a simpler time when calloused feet were the height of your troubles. Like animals, we trod this earth with feet so rough they could slip a dead horse into your bed because you disrespected the dinner lady in the canteen. Advertising was a different ball game in the early 2000s. It was another world compared to today's efforts. Please, reacquaint yourself with exceptional the Ped Egg advertisement: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deMnU1_iLwc We're going to need to break down this incredible advertisement into four key areas to deliver a sufficient amount of in-depth appreciation.

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The Product Itself Let's take a brief moment to think about the unintentionally hysterical concept of the Ped Egg: an ergonomically designed pod that will grate your crusty feet like cheese, then collect the filings for you to marvel at their plentifulness. Whomst decided that this was a necessary thing to invent and specifically how calloused were their feet that such a product entered their perverted mind? I remember reading a Ped Egg review online at the height of their popularity, one of millions, and the lady said it took 8-10 minutes of 'Ped Egging' before she saw any results. She said the overall finish wasn't as good as a pedicure, but she was happy with it. As expected, the act of manually disposing of her grated foot skin was a troublesome task and therein lies the problem with the Ped Egg. It entails a sadistic cleanup, even to this very day. Sure, it would be incredibly satisfying to see precisely how much dead skin you've removed with this device, but does it need to be so in your face? Furthermore, does that need to be a selling point in the advertisement? Is this disturbing feature likely to be a selling point for anyone? It's unlikely a consumer would be on the fence about the Ped Egg, then learn that you must manually tip your foot filings into the bin and decide that this is most certainly a worthwhile expenditure. Quite the opposite would ensue. Grievances aside, such a staggering feat in advertising would not have been possible if it weren't for the strength of the product. The Ped Egg practically sold itself. It didn't need a hugely affecting advertisement, but they provided us with one regardless of that fact. To deliver perfection when it's not entirely necessary is the sign of greatness.   The Acting JML and their counterparts are known for their expertise in the advertising field. Their 'there's GOT to be a better way' attitude has long paved the way for demonstrative advertising, using situational mockups and relatable characters to appeal to viewers from all walks of life. It's uninhibited genius and deserves worldwide recognition. In this particular advertisement, we're greeted by a woman whose feet are so calloused, they rip a sizeable hole in her socks. Is this a thing that can happen? Absolutely, if you're a neanderthal. She's so livid with the inconvenience of her hooves, she throws her hand up in exasperation, just like you or I would do. Instantly, the viewer is sucked into this advert. We've all ripped our socks at some stage. That could easily be us up there in her situation. The next girl can't believe that her showroom has been professionally lit and then subsequently entered by an intruder with a camera. How dare they! Her bare feet are on display! She was relaxing sidesaddle on her perfectly made bed in a pair of bootcut jeans and a tank top whilst carrying out a conversation via her hot pink flip phone. This is so embarrassing for her. Again, what viewer in all honesty hasn't been unexpectedly interrupted as some stage? It's practically a daily occurrence if you live at home. Add to that the mortification of someone seeing your crusty feet and what we've got here is an unfolding horror movie. What about someone's nan, who is so goddamn sick of the mess involved with filing her feet? She's been scraping them onto a black towel for years and has had just about enough of it. Her bathroom, with TWO doors, precisely two rolls of toilet paper and a plunger is positively ruined with loose foot scrapings accumulating all over. She's close to tears. How is she going to make it to Bridge Club tonight with braggy Linda and diabetic Audrey when she's got all of this to clean up? There has simply GOT to be a better way. Relax. Guys. Guys? Relax. We've got a 'professional unit' being shown now. Susan Sarandon's lookalike is a worldly lady, as evidenced by her jazzy lampshade, stack of books and candle that matches her skirt. She is here to show us how we can tend to our crusty feet, at long last. The previous ladies look like goddamn fools now that such a simple solution is finally here. Did you notice the bin to the left of the screen? Wondering why that's there? Don't you worry sunshine, all will be revealed shortly ;) Just in case the previous woman wasn't urban enough for you, now we're treated to a slightly more adult film-esque lady, who's sitting in front of her computer which isn't turned on. She simply has no need for the information superhighway anymore, as she has found all she needs in the Ped Egg. Her expression suggests that she is deriving a minor level of pleasure from the whole experience, as one should. She's wearing less clothes than the previous actress and her hair is blonde. This is the Jennifer Aniston of Ped Egg models and she's here to achieve a smooth finish on her hooves. You better believe that the heavies down at the Ped Egg factory have drafted in a split screen function in standard definition for all to see. Susan Sarandon, Jennifer Aniston, Bridge Nan and now a male(!) are all Ped Egging their feet together in sweet harmony. The male is enjoying it the most because he has got the crustiest feet. Men also get calloused feet, just in case your fragile mind was under the impression that this was a female-only issue. Everyone is having a terrific time as they prepare to lead their new lives without calloused feet thanks to the Ped Egg™. In the biggest plot twist since we learned that Doug was on the hotel roof all along in The Hangover, it turns out that Susan Sarandon and this chump are married... TO EACH OTHER!!! Not only are they married, but they also Ped Egg their feet together and then marvel at the stunning results. Their household is immaculate thanks to their uncalloused feet. They even have time to watch television adverts, and as luck would have it, there's an ad for Ped Eggs on the TV behind them right now. Coincidence is a truly wonderful thing. In summary, acting peaked in this Ped Egg commercial. Daniel Day-Lewis could never.   The Script Some of the greatest scriptwriters in the world couldn't produce content as staggering as the Ped Egg advertisement. It's flawless, gripping and flawlessly gripping.

"Introducing the Ped Egg. The ultimate way to smooth beautiful feet"

From the outset, we're onto a winner. Sure, they're letting us know in a very chill way that Ped Eggs are now in circulation, but they're also restricting the audience solely to those that possess "beautiful feet". It's conflicting because the viewer must immediately decide whether they fit the criteria. Sure, my feet might not be beautiful, but maybe using the Ped Egg could ease me into that elite club? I must purchase it to find out.

"The Ped Egg has over 100 precision stainless steel micro files to gently smooth and remove the roughest dry, calloused skin"

Stainless steel might not seem like an impressive material in 2018, but back when this advert first aired, it was everything. Stainless steel was at its peak demand during the early 2000s. If you had a baby and didn't call it Stainless Steel, it was handed over to child services immediately, such was the intensity of the craze. The fact that these stainless steel files are both micro and precision is mind-blowing. One of those properties on its own would be sufficient, but this is the Ped Egg we're talking about. Sufficient doesn't come close to the results you'll get from it. Brag away, Ped Egg advertisement, you've earned it.

"Why didn't somebody think of this before? It's great"

Susan Sarandon is saying what we're all thinking. Why didn't someone think of this before now? It's so simple. The answer to our calloused feet's prayers has been right under our noses the whole time: An ergonomically designed pod with over 100 precision stainless steel micro files to gently smooth and remove the roughest dry, calloused skin, DUH. It is great.

"The Ped Egg gets my feet looking good and I feel great"

This would be a perfectly fine statement if the woman reading it didn't look and sound like a hostage. Luckily, we have the presence of mind to know that the talking heads in these kind of advertisements are always completely truthful people that have tried and tested these items and are in peak mental fitness to give a balanced review. No cause for concern here, move along.

"The Ped Egg's unique design holds all the filings until you empty it, so you can use it anywhere" ... "I can use the Ped Egg in my bedroom without making a mess"

There's a lot to unpack here. Again, we see that they're using the crust collecting feature as a selling point, which is incredibly brave. This is essential to hammer home the portability of the Ped Egg. If it didn't collect the "filings", you'd have to shave your foot crust over a bin, like an animal. Sure, collecting and emptying dead skin is disgusting, but it's the price we must pay, as consumers, to be able to use our Ped Eggs anywhere. For example, Jennifer Aniston's lookalike lets us know that the bedroom is a perfectly suitable place to use your Ped Egg as it's mess-free.

"My feet were in really bad shape. My wife gave me the Ped Egg and it works great"

Reading between the lines, it seems as though this man's feet were in bad shape, but then his wife (Susan Sarandon) gave him a go of the Ped Egg and it did its job. Now? His feet are in perfect shape and he has a lot of faith in the Ped Egg. The Ped Egg is fun for all the family. Wives, husbands, children, dogs, even goldfish can use it to remove calloused feet and achieve a similar finish that a pedicure provides, proving that life is for living, my dudes. Scripts have evolved over time, so although the Ped Egg advert's script may seem simplistic to our modern minds, we need to remember that this was practically Shakespearean during the early 2000s. It won five Oscars and a Pulitzer. You can fact check that if you want.   Directorial Appreciation Despite the countless man-hours devoted to thi cause in a Spotlight-esque manner to determine specifically who directed this monumental piece of advertising history, the results were inconclusive. He or she has chosen to remain hidden in the advertising archives and we must respect their decision. They didn't want to be found, so we need to appreciate that and stop looking. Regardless, their work cannot go unrecognised any longer. This is a director at the top of their game and Spielberg, Tarantino, Scorsese et al. could learn a thing or two from this masterpiece. In the opening sequence, an everyday woman with crusty feet is introduced by a zoomed-in version of said crusty feet. They camera then dramatically zooms out, providing the viewer with a bigger picture. The bigger picture is a better way for foot crust removal, clearly. It's a brave directorial decision and one that we must respect. Would Titanic have been the same without that raunchy car scene? Unlikely. The second scene is a real trick of the mind. We're shown the nastiest feet in existence, followed by a shock reveal. It's a pretty young girl. How has it transpired that she has the feet of a 87-year-old barefoot strawberry picker from the Mediterranean? That is not for us to work out. We are to trust that the Ped Egg will fix her repulsive hooves. The director knew what he/she was doing with this one. It's a bit of old fashioned camera trickery and they can consider us well and truly fooled. Things get back on track with the third foot as we can clearly see the liver-spotted hands which denotes that we're dealing with a member of the elderly community. As George Bush once said "Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again". The director of the Ped Egg commercial is very clearly following this powerful statement with his/her vision for this advertisement. The transitions throughout the advert are game-changing. Some say that the heyday of the crossfade is over, but as evidenced above, those people are deeply misguided. Passive viewers are unlikely to pick up on such crossfading expertise, but this is art. Marvel at how smoothly the Ped Egg moves from right to left, as the bigger image transitions into focus. Susan Sarandon is merely taking the Ped Egg into her hand, but you can bet your ass they've filmed such an important occasion from two different angles. Maybe even three, we're just not worthy of seeing the third. If there's one thing we've learned from the Ped Egg advertisement, it's that they're not afraid to go split screen to get their point across. If you haven't realised it by now, PED EGGS ARE LIFE-CHANGING. Look at the before and after. The before foot belongs to a vagrant, the after foot could be an abnormally large newborn baby's. The director knows that this product is powerful. He/she doesn't need special effects or even a decent backdrop to get the point across. Simply suspend the foot in front of a wrinkled bed sheet and let the results do the talking, buddy. This is show business. The main talking point of the Ped Egg advert has always surrounded whether the inclusion of 'filing dumping' was necessary. It was a bold directorial decision and one that's still in the back of many peoples' minds. Personally, I support it. The director needed to show us A) how much skin shavings this device can hold and B) how easy it is to empty it. Stomachs may churn, but minds will be subliminally influenced by the filing dumping even to this very day. If you can't handle watching the dispensing of a stranger's calloused foot shavings from the comfort of your own couch, how in the world are you going to deal with your own? This scene is make or break and everything rests on it. It's the bravest display of a product's function many of us are ever likely to see on our television screens. Behold, the truth. The inclusion of an orange being Ped-Egged was a strange one, I'm sure the anonymous director would agree with me on that. The rationale was assumedly to demonstrate the gentle nature of the Ped Egg's "over 100 precision stainless steel micro files to gently smooth and remove the roughest dry, calloused skin". However, if the Ped Egg provides the results pictured above to an orange, it's a strong deterrent for those that are worried about accidentally shaving too much foot skin off, or even taking the good skin off in error. Again, we must respect the directorial decision and trust that it's been included to harden potential users to the power that the Ped Egg can exert if necessary. Nobody can deny that it is a robust son of a bitch. Finally, we must discuss the balloon sequence. It follows the orange scene and frankly, it doesn't add up. We see above that the Ped Egg can comfortably skin an orange, but you're telling me that it won't pierce a balloon? The words 'Perfectly safe' in all caps aren't particularly comforting. It's not that the viewer doesn't believe it, it's more that you're less inclined to doubt the safety of something unless you're being aggressively reassured that it's PERFECTLY SAFE. Something doesn't quite add up. The Ped Egg will remove your calloused foot skin, even peel an orange, but it won't burst a balloon? They're hiding something. I can smell it, and it smells like deceit. Although the Ped Egg is a terrific product which has graced us with the most perfect advertisement of the early 2000s, it's lying about the Ped Egg's refusal to burst a balloon. That is the only pitfall I can find and although it's a big one, I'm prepared to overlook it. Not everything is perfect, that's the lesson we need to take away from this lengthy analysis. The advert is an exceptional piece of content, but it has flaws, just like you and I. The perfect product, advertisement or even person does not exist. It's our shortcomings that make us interesting. Thank you, Ped Egg, for providing us with the greatest advertisement of all time and a vital life lesson about embracing our flaws.    

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All images via YouTube