Meghan Markle’s Wedding Diary – “Here we, here we, here we f***ing go”

Dear Diary,

Here we, here we, here we fucken go!! Haha, Harry taught me that phrase. It's so cute, I love it! I'm shaking as I write this. I, Rachel Meghan Markle am getting married (again lol) today. I'm marrying Harry. I have found my prince and I shall be his princess. This is a dream come true. Aside from the fact that I am currently stuck to the toilet. That's right. I, Meghan Markle, whomst will be legitimate Royalty in a few hours, am suffering from what can only be described as a "nervous tummy". Honestly, it's coming out of me like a Petit Filous Frube. WHYYY do I have to wear white? This is a disaster. I asked for the staff to fetch me some medication and somehow the news traveled all the way to Kate. I'm so embarrassed. There was a knock on the door and a box of Imodium waiting outside with an accompanying note. My plan is to consume the entire box and also never look Kate in the eye ever again. Nerves aside, I'm also exhausted. I barely slept last night, my brain just wouldn't switch off. I wandered down to the hotel bar for a glass of something to send me to sleep, when I bumped into Prince Philip. He was in a giddy mood, he usually is. Philip is such a jokester, when I arrived down he tried to order some more drinks from me. I told him "I'm not a waitress you silly old trickster!" and he laughed. We chatted for a while, I think he was pretty tired because he was saying the strangest things. He's still calling me Pocahontas which I think is adorable, but others have said it mightn't be as affectionate as it seems. I don't get it? Whatever. He's a cool guy, I can't wait to call him Grandpa. It was decided yesterday that Harry's father, Prince Charles, would walk me down the aisle since my own Dad can't make the wedding. I overheard Philip muttering something about why Harry's "real father" wasn't stepping in to do the job, which was weird, probably just another one of his funny little jokes! Charles has been so welcoming to me, I'm glad he's playing such a major role in the wedding. I don't want Camilla to feel left out, so she can tag along as my something old. Obviously the dress is my something new, I'm getting a hair pin from Kate for my something borrowed and if Harry doesn't stay on his best behaviour tomorrow, he'll be something blue!! Lol. Her Majesty stopped by yesterday evening to wish us luck. I always get so flustered when I meet her. I mean, it's the Queen of England! She was so sweet, she carefully reminded me that I need to uphold the sanctity of the Royals at all times, and if I stray from those values, unspeakable things will happen to me and to those around me that I hold dearly. So cute! She also tried to order some light refreshments from me, same as Prince Philip did at the bar. These Royals sure do have a wacky sense of humour! The Queen also said that she was looking forward to the wedding, which is such an honour. If I live to be 92 years of age and still have the ability to get excited about things, I'll be pretty happy. I asked her what she'd be wearing to the ceremony, to which she responded 'None of your business, commoner fool'. It was HILARIOUS, you had to be there. Such kidders, this family. I just got off the phone with our wedding planner and he's managed to snag a guest performer for our reception. There were rumours in the media that the Spice Girls would be singing, but Harry can't stand Ginger Spice since she's been slowly going brunette over the past couple of years. It's a fair position to take and I have to support my man. One of Harry's main missions is to achieve total ginger equality by 2020 and I intend to help make that a reality. People like Geri are making being ginger seem like a shameful thing. It's a dangerous game she's playing. Anyway, Spice Girls are out and a HUGE (so I've been reliably informed) British superstar is in. Her name is Ellie Goulding and she's supposed to be the hottest thing since Justin Bieber. I can't wait to see the look on Harry's face when she bursts out onto the stage. I hope he knows her music? She seems awesome. Am I the best wife ever? I think so. Once I get off the loo (as they say over here), I'm going to have the hairdressers come in and then get my makeup done. This is all fine. I just can't believe it. In a couple of hours I'm going to be Mrs. Harry Whatshissurname. I never thought this day would come. It's been a wild ride and I can honestly say that I'm fully ready to join this crazy family. My three guests and I are going to enjoy the festivities with the entirety of Harry's extended family, then settle into our new lives as members of the British Royal Family. Everything should go perfectly according to plan, as long as the guests don't try to steal my spotlight. Kate, if you're reading this (which I know you are), please keep your brats in line. Thank you. Alright, wish me luck!! Eek! Chat soon, Royal Meg x  

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