This is an exclusive
When the news broke earlier this week that
Liam Neeson was recognised by a horse on the set of his new movie, there was only one story that we, the esteemed journalists of the world, needed to tell.
Where others have failed, I have triumphed. Not out of my own personal gain, but for humanity at large.
Earlier today, I met with The Horse and conducted what is sure to be the most pivotal interview of my career, and his.
Behold the other side of the story.
Me: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to meet with me, it's a huge honour.
Horse: No problem. Just happy to air my side of the story.
Me: Right, let's get into it. Liam Neeson said that you remembered him. Is this true?
Horse: Honestly?
Me: Ideally, yes.
Horse: I'm a friendly guy, I greet everyone with the same phrase: "Hey buddy". He's obviously mistaken my cordiality for something else.
Me: Okay, this is huge.
Horse: In this "fake news" era, it's important to gain clarity on things. If I can, I'd like to explain what happened?
Me: I'd be insulted if you didn't.
Horse: It's day one on the set of
The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. We're in New Mexico. Everyone's excited to be there, we're all having a coffee and a selection of Danish pastries as we exchange pleasantries. Neeson rocks up 25 minutes late and I overhear the cameraman say "He's
Taken the piss". A solid joke, you have to admit. Neeson is a charming guy, he shakes the hand of everyone on set, but I notice his eyes are drawn to me. He looks away, then back, then away, then back again. Honestly, I felt a bit uncomfortable. I could see that he was slowly making his way towards me and I couldn't really escape.
Me: Go on...
Horse: Well, I started to whinny, hoping it would signal to my handler that I was uncomfortable. Neeson's eyes lit up at that point. He quickened his pace, eager to touch me. "Hey buddy", I said. "Hey yourself", said Liam. He was eyeing my body up and down, it felt like a piece of meat. His breathing became heavier, almost to the point of a prolonged grunt. "You remember me, don't you boy? I saw you looking at me, Liam Neeson, with a familiar eye. We worked on that Western together? Shared a wonderful time in each others' company? Remember?"
Me: Did you recognise him?
Horse: Look, I'm a movie horse. I meet a lot of people. Honestly, they all look the same to me. Just slight variations of the same blob. This guy was nuts, projecting his emotions on me like a teenage girl after her first Bacardi Breezer, it was bizarre. I didn't want to insult him, but I didn't want to lie either.
Me: But Neeson said, and I quote, "When we worked together before, I took special care of him. I fed him treats. Gave him apples". Is there any truth to this?
Horse: Honestly, I'm not sure I was even in that movie he's referencing. I've done broadway, comedies,
War Horse, an episode of
The Bill, but I can't find any traces of a Western alongside Liam Neeson in my books. I keep a very detailed diary and it's just not there. I don't even like apples, they give me acid reflux. I'd certainly remember Qui-Gon Jinn taking special care of me. Look, it's time to come clean. Liam Neeson is notoriously horse face blind, it's something he's tried to keep under wraps but I've made the decision to make it known. Liam Neeson cannot tell horses apart. He thinks we are all the same horse.
Me: You're kidding? This is huge. You're absolutely sure it's true?
Horse: This isn't the kind of thing I would ever joke about. Hollywood is full of secrets and this barely even makes a dent in some of the things that are being covered up right now. This might affect his career going forward, but I need to clear my name. I'm being dragged into something I've truly had no part in. Liam Neeson has very publicly mistaken me for another horse.
Me: Sorry to interrupt, but we're still on the record here, right?
Horse: Well we're certainly not off it.
Me: Proceed.
Horse: I don't know what kind of sick game he's playing, but I'd like to be forcefully excluded from this narrative. I would like to categorically deny any of the allegations currently being made against me. I didn't want to have to get legal involved, but Neeson is trotting a very thin line with this latest stunt. He's trying to drum up some publicity for the movie and his approach is unconventional and immoral. I'm an innocent party. He's making things up. None of this happened. I don't even pull his wagon in the movie, I'm just an extra. I take a dump in the background during an emotional scene between him and James Franco. All you can see is my toned, juicy buttocks.
Me: Incredible. So he's mistaken you for another horse? This is hysterical.
Horse: Is it hysterical? Maybe for you. I'm ruined. I had a tough image prior to this. People called me the bad boy of horse acting and it was a title I embraced. Now they think I'm a softie, nay, approachable. I'm going to be cast in shitty roles now, force-fed apples and encouraged to interact with small children. They'll put me in a festive Judd Apatow romcom! I don't want this. My career is over.
Me: Look, it's highly likely that Liam Neeson will read this interview. Is there anything you'd like to say to him?
Horse: Yeah. Liam, how dare you. You're a real piece of shit. You've bigged yourself up at the expense of my reputation. I have nothing left. Why does your career get to soar while mine goes down the drain? You've messed with the wrong horse. Other horses, they just wander around fields and eat hay. But I chose to act, make a living for myself and my family, contribute my craft to the world. You're a sick man, Liam. I pray that you find peace. Actually, I don't. I pray that the world finds out that you
[REDACTED] that horse you mistook me for. You've been blinded by your own equine lust. May God have mercy on your soul, Liam Neeson.
Certain aspects of this interview were redacted on legal grounds.
Many thanks to the horse known simply as 'Horse' for agreeing to take part in this interview.
