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Published 16:38 19 Jun 2017 BST
Updated 17:13 19 Jun 2017 BST
It's a special kind of hell, and really makes you wonder what you did in a past life to condemn your current form to this fate. Had you punched a dog for stealing? Maybe you pushed a man, lustful for your wife Matilda, into the path of a runaway horse. Did you wank upon the Lord's day, not only once, not twice, but thrice, and did therefore draw the Almighty's ire?
Whatever we did, we're paying for it now, with snot, spit and tears, and a hefty debt to the Kleenex people. Whatever our past transgressions were, we are but the victims now. The villain has a name, and it's name is pollen. Curse it, venomously.
Pollen is our eternal nemesis. Every year, when summer moves into autumn and the sneezing subsides, we think we've seen the last of pollen, and dump it in the backs of our minds. Then, like clockwork, just as we start to get excited about the prospect of sitting in the sunshine for more than two minutes, it hits us, like an 18-wheeler carrying a full load of Mama Nature's Homemade Fuck You.
It starts with the tingle in your nose, and immediately you know what's about to go down. The first sneeze comes: "ACHOO - Oh goodness, excuse me." The second: "ACHOO - Crikey, that was a big one." The third: "ACHOO - Right, fuck this, shitlords. I'm going inside."
The eyes water, the nose runs, and the sneezing never lets up. We retreat indoors, if indoors is available to us; every sufferer will know that pang of fear when they realise they're far from refuge, with only a single tissue to see them through the day. Heaven help you if you forgot to take your tablets.
Pollen is a cunning enemy. It's everywhere, yet strikes by stealth, when you're at your most vulnerable and least prepared. It has a thuggish streak, hanging around the same street corners, waiting to catch you on your way to work and give your sinuses a good battering.
But pollen doesn't want your lunch money. Pollen is a sadist. It lives to make us suffer, to force us back inside when we should be out enjoying God's green earth at its most beautiful, the ugly little shit. Yeah sure, it helps flowers to not go extinct and gives the bees something to do, but it fucks up my summer and I'm not happy about it.
What can we do? Well, nothing really. That shit is everywhere, and there's still too much polio around for scientists to faff about trying to eradicate hayfever just so I don't have to take a stupid tablet every day. All we can do is load up on antihistamines, grit our teeth, and go out to enjoy the sunshine. After all, it's a beautiful day.
Or so I'm told. Can't see shit through these puffy eyes.
Feature image: Marco Raaphorst‘Amazing’ air cooler drops to under £40 ahead of the next UK heatwave
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