“An Oyster card does not entitle you to free seafood” – A beginner’s guide to London

London.

With a population of over 75 people, it's one of the biggest cities in the world. But what's the best way to get around the city, while at the same time avoiding standing out like the pathetic little London virgin that you are? Relax, I've put together a handy guide to help you out.

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Getting there is easy, as London has 4,528 airports If you're booking a flight to London, you're spoiled for choice as the city now officially has more airports than people. They've had to start putting runways on special raised bridges over the city because they were running out of space, but that's a small noise-pollution price to pay for such proximity to a wonderful city. With such an abundance of airports, London now has the fastest ass-from-aeroplane-seat-to-Starbucks (AFASTS) time in the WORLD, at a very impressive 12 minutes. That's not an exaggeration. People are landing at Gatwick airport and then touching down at the nearest city Starbucks quicker than the amount of time a baked potato takes in the oven. This is partly due to the latest city regulations stipulating that there must be a Starbucks every 30 metres in London, almost as close as a public defibrillator every 100 metres. When you're in the airport itself, it's a good idea to take purchase some classic British duty free items, such as 3 Toblerones for £10 or an alcoholic beverage to let everyone know that a massive legend has arrived. There's likely to be a rail service under the airport, so be sure to avail of that to get your AFASTS time up.   Don't you dare casually meander your way through the tube station, you disgusting sack of shit Let's get one thing straight, everyone in London is busier and far more important than you, especially when it comes to transport. They're not important enough to be getting Ubers or helicopters around everywhere, but they're a very low-level important folk that demand your respect and immediate prioritisation. In London tube stations, it's custom that you stand on the right hand side of the escalators, so that the left handed (and therefore inferior) people can quickly make their way downstairs so nobody has to look at them for long. Left handed people have long been segregated in London, which dates back to the time world-famous Brit (and left hander) Paula Radcliffe publicly shit herself during a marathon. Although it's a common occurrence for runners, the people of London particularly turned against her because she failed to curtsey after she took a literal shit on the side of the road. (All Brits must curtsey after they poop) The aim of the London underground system is speed. Taking in the wonderful scenery in Tube stations is strictly forbidden, so go about your business quickly. Don't dare look at the maps, use an app or something you fucking stone age weirdo. It's important to keep in mind that you are a visitor in this town, you are entitled to approximately zero courtesy from any other human being.   You are eligible for the death penalty if you don't own an Oyster Card During your visit to London, you'll notice that the police are heavily armed and regularly carry out stop and searches on members of the public. It can be intimidating and quite embarrassing, but it's worth keeping in mind that the cops are simply doing their jobs by making the city a safer place for all. A handy tip I've picked up is to make sure that you have an Oyster card on you at all times, that way the police will instantly recognise you as an upstanding citizen who is incredibly savvy. Most of these random searches are part of a private game the police play, where they spot a random moron and place on bets on whether they have an Oyster card or not. The loser of the bet must carry out some proper law enforcement, such as posing for photographs with tourists and giving directions to The London Eye. You can prevent facing the death penalty by always carrying an Oyster card and having a small but visible tattoo that says 'I have an Oyster Card', as most Londoners do. It immediately dispels any tension between yourself and seasoned Londoners, and can save valuable time that would've been spent fumbling for change. NOTE: Your Oyster card, despite its name, does NOT entitle you to any seafood. Please do not waste the time of Tube station employees inquiring about it.   The hipster level of a bar is directly proportional to the amount of household items being used as furniture It's 2017 and every man, woman and child's greatest fear is being deemed 'a hipster'. People are throwing themselves into activities such as murder, racism, paedophilia and listening to Ed Sheeran so that they can get as far away from the hipster lifestyle as possible. If you're going for some drinks during your stay in London, but don't fancy returning home to see an exposé in the local paper about how you're a registered hipster who is now known to police, I've got a list of telltale items found in most 'hipster' establishments to help you identify your surroundings. If you see any of these things, avoid the location at all costs.

• Saddle barstools
• Ironing board tables
• A selection of old board games
• Something unconventional on tap
• Beard softener in the bathrooms
• An abundance of tacky fairy lights
• Bicycle paraphernalia
• Any variety of craft beer
• Intentional graffiti
• Anything other than a toilet seat for a toilet seat
• Some type of caravan in the smoking area
• Intentionally mismatched furniture
• A member of Mumford & Sons

  Don't you fucking dare stop to marvel at the height of the buildings around London Listen up you easily-pleased sack of shit, don't even bother coming to London if you're going to stop dead in the middle of a pedestrianised area to look up and marvel at the spectacle that is the London architectural scene. Get a fucking grip. If you want to see the top of The Shard, you'll look it up on Google maps just like everybody else. Don't for a second let anyone catch wind of the fact that you're not a regular. Your enormous backpack, unsuitable footwear and bemused expression will likely give it away, but staring at various buildings will only embarrass you further. This should go without saying, but if you even so much as think about taking a selfie in front of a building, a Londoner can and will smack that phone clean out of your hand and into the nearest drain. The key to making your way through London with your life intact is keeping your head buried deep into your chest (with shame) and using your phone as a directional guide. If you even so much as think to yourself 'Wow, those buildings are tall', the consequences will be dire and life threatening, as London is rampant with violent mind readers.   Pret is your home now, so make peace with it and move on Pret, pret, pret, pret, pret, pret, pret. Pret? Pret. Pret. PRET. If you're going to refer to 'Pret' as anything other than 'Pret', you'll be quietly asked to leave London and not return for a full calendar year (12 months). Calling it 'Pret a Manger' goes against God's will, it says so right in this Bible passage:

"Thou shalt not refer to Pret as anything other than Pret. Should you ever feel tempted to give it its full title, I bestow the permission unto anyone nearby that they may guffaw to their heart's content at your blatant lack of London street knowledge. Also try the chicken and avocado toasted sandwich, that shit is fucking delicious".

So as you can see, Pret is the name and Pret is the game. The importance of Pret when visiting London is vital. Need a quick coffee? Pret. Bowl of porridge? Pret. 15,000 word dissertation about the effect of exaggerated examples in online articles? Pret. There's something for everybody at Pret™.   "There's WiFi everywhere".... Is there FUCK If you're concerned about roaming charges when you go to London, a quick Google search will tell you that 'there's WiFi everywhere in London'. Well let me tell you something, chums, there bloody well isn't. Everything is password protected and you'll often find yourself tempted to chance your arm connecting to 'Dave's iPhone' for a quick blast of internet. There are more Starbucks' than WiFi hotspots in London, which is quite an allegation to make considering there's supposedly free in WiFi in every Starbucks. My point is that there is fuck all free WiFi in London, so you're going to have to work for it. Using a fake name on the classic 'sign up' form for free WiFi is luckily not an arrestable offence just yet, so work away using 'Dick King - dickking69@hotmail.com' until such time as the authorities clamp down on that. A useful tip I'm happy to impart regarding London's free WiFi is that you will often find the best service in your house so just stay the fuck there because nobody has ever gone to London with the sole purpose of trying out the free WiFi. Read a book!   You're going to meet a lot of celebrities, so just act cool about it, yeah? As every Londoner knows, the place is littered with celebrities from top to bottom. You can't walk to your local Sainsbury's without bumping into Pudsey (the dog from Britain's Got Talent)'s groomer, Dane Bowers' friend's cousin, a YouTuber that specialises in dramatic makeup effects or, if you're lucky, an extra off Hollyoaks Later. The likelihood of meeting an A-lister is actually far greater than the likelihood of not seeing one. They tend to hang out in several hotspots, such as every single Wagamamas and Wahaca within a ten mile radius of London. If you spot a celebrity, the best advice I can give you is to follow these steps:

• Approach him/her very slowly, letting them know that you are not a threat, nor do you intend on bringing any harm to them
• Do NOT make eye contact
• Show them the back of your hand as you gently bring it towards their face for inspection
• If he/she doesn't seem frightened, you may give them a slight brush of their face with the back of your hand
• Continue to brush the torso and slowly work your way down the back as far as the tail
• Thank their owner and be on your way

Celebrity sightings can be an emotional time, so be sure to keep your wits about you. They can easily become startled by loud noises and sudden movements, so I've found that following the above procedure can result in a satisfactory exchange for all, as it did for me that time I met Vernon Kay in M&S. Lovely guy, surprisingly down to earth.