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Published 18:41 10 Apr 2018 BST
2. Nutritional matters
3. Household affairs
4. Tactful requests
5. Important updates
6. Incredibly shit banter
7. Emergencies
8. Anatomically confusing threats
9. Obligatory 'fat fuck' text
‘Amazing’ air cooler drops to under £40 ahead of the next UK heatwave
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