The definitive format of every Jeremy Kyle episode ever

"I'm going to have to ask you to stop swearing"

There is an exact science that explains why watching Jeremy Kyle is a pleasurable experience for all. It mostly boils down to the fact that observing other people's problems from afar causes you to take stock of your own uneventful life and appreciate the fact that it is without similar soap opera antics. But how does Jeremy achieve a perfect balance between exploiting the troubles of others and giving harsh but fair advice that causes the audience to applaud him profusely, whilst also captivating viewers for hours at a time? Dunno tbh. Just kidding, I've cracked it. Here's the winning ironclad archetype of every single episode of Jeremy Kyle.

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1. There's an overly dramatic teaser at the start to lure you in You'll often be caught off guard when the intro at the top of the show hits you. The music is arresting, mimicking that of an X Factor tension stage where four lucky hopefuls are about to be culled to an inhumane three. They employ colour grading techniques such as black and white and a drowsy summer afternoon glow. Heated words are exchanged, disapproving audience members put their hands over their mouths in disbelief as a member of security bursts on screen to apprehend a wayward guest. They've done it, they've sucked you in quicker than a half price offer on biscuits in the supermarket.   2. Jeremy welcomes the first victim, but the audience is skeptical He bursts through the crowd to a hero's welcome, shaking hands with the audience to show his appreciation of their thirst for judgement. He is here, our saviour has arrived. Jez gives a quick intro and welcomes his first guest, a woman or man scorned by a deceitful lover. The audience visibly judge this seemingly innocent party with a level of importance equaled only by a jury involved in a high profile murder trial. Their eyes tell a thousand stories of lies, deception and CSI boxsets. They settle into their seats, clearing their throats for some upcoming booing and hissing. Most have taken the day off work for the occasion. 3. The victim shares their story and Jez is sympathetic, to a point It's the classic tale of a woman that has recently given birth and is unsure as to who the father is because she has two lovers. Being first on stage, she has prime advantage to get her side of things out in the open, tugging at the heartstrings of the audience and doing her utmost to convince Jeremy that she's not cheating scum. He gives her a platform to speak, but it's interspersed with cut aways to the lovers backstage, whose heads are at risk of screwing off entirely as a result of their ferocious shaking. It's edge-of-the-seat viewing. Will they get through to bootcamp? Sorry, wrong show.   4. Another guest arrives on stage, much to Jeremy's delight Now Jezza can ramp up his pleasantries to the end of their tether. He goes full disappointed parent on these souls that have turned to him as a last resort, a fact he's all too aware of. They couldn't resolve their conflicts among themselves, so decided to go on national television and air their grubby laundry. The addition of a second victim allows us to hear another side to the story, which typically sheds light on the fact that the first guest is far from the angel she has portrayed herself to be. Obviously, Jeremy figured that out hours ago.   5. The villain of the extramarital affair is called out and everyone wonders how on earth he got laid This chap has been brimming with anger backstage for a manner of minutes at this point, so the excitement gets the better of him as he joins the others on stage. He aggressively walks up to the lady and calls her an expletive, followed by a look of disgust at her long term partner, that suggests he's disappointed in that man for not controlling his good lady wife enough to deter her from his irresistible charm and Nando's black card. Jeremy has no time for him, branding him a love rat for 'poking his nose in', while the woman scorned makes it very clear she's no longer interested. Again, it becomes apparent that they probably could've solved this matter themselves at home.   6. Jeremy takes a knee and everyone is f**ked The golden rule of Jeremy Kyle is that when he takes a knee on stage, everyone is about to get obliterated beyond belief. Something about the metaphysical reaction between Jeremy's most complex body joint and the ITV studio floor results in more truths being dropped than this vulnerable little world has ever seen before. He'll throw cue cards around, rub his temples in frustration, even kick a puppy if needs be. Jeremy does a stellar job of convincing us that he cares deeply about these people that he's never met before, nor will the outcome of their troubles impact his life in any way going forward.   7. The lie detector results are in and everyone is fucked More tense than a weekend festival, this pivotal moment in the show is the main reason why any sane viewer has sat through the previous ten minutes of bickering. It's a pivotal moment in the show, where the truth comes to light and ultimately someone is going to get punched. Maybe they could've avoided all this fuss and public humiliation by simply talking to each other, using communication and having trust? Nah, boring. Just a suggestion for ITV, it might be worth amping up the production values at this point, maybe adding a few spotlights, some tension music, a little dry mist for dramatic effect.   8. Finally, the resolution After attempted fistycuffs and someone being told to 'cool down' by security, Jeremy looks to the future, to a world where peace and serenity is possible. Everything becomes patronisingly positive, as these troubled souls are guilted into promising a better life for each other going forward. Jeremy provides the closing statement, assuring viewers that their psychologists will work with the couple and provide all the counselling they need. The third party with whom the lady cheated with hits the M1 to beat the traffic and we all breathe a sigh of relief that everything has been resolved or at least heavily edited to appear that way. Images via ITV