Six invaluable lessons learned from watching an episode of Celebrity Big Brother

Episode 3.

Excellent news: Celebrity Big Brother is back on the telly, also honey bee colonies are on the rise, with a 20% increase in numbers so far this year! For no reason other than self-flagellation, I decided to watch an episode of CBB to advance my ongoing studies on why the human race is so disappointing. The results were shocking, but to be expected. Mostly, I just wanted something to fill the void that Love Islandh left, but it didn't. The search continues.

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1. Celebrities aren't above sharing beds if space restrictions call for it This feels wrong but also perfect for television. They're famous people, allegedly richer than most of us and all own a house at the very least. They're used to getting sent free shit, promoting ridiculous things on their social media accounts for money and just generally living a life better than us disgusting muggles. But to see them reduced to kipping side-by-side fills me with a satisfaction like no other. These celebrities are at the helm of someone else's rules now. Bottled water is a thing of the past. I've learned that that's Derek Acorah on the left, beside a guy that was on The Apprentice. The year is 2017 and a spiritual medium is lying in bed beside a man whom Lord Sugar refused to hire, whose eyebrows are a singular entity. Whatever your opinion on celebrity reality television, this is certifiable gold. Other celebrities sharing beds include Bert and Ernie, and that's about it. I like what I see. The idea of celebrities all living together in a large house sharing beds is something I've always been suspicious of, and now we've got our proof.   2. The diary room is in the middle of a field. Just kidding, it's a shitty backdrop They've really maxed out the Celebrity Big Brother budget this year and it's clear to see that this strategic move is paying off in spades. For a large portion of the show, I was convinced that the squad were being housed in the middle of a beautiful meadow. Clearly, that stunning diary room chair has been plonked in the middle of an evergreen field that stretches for miles, undoubtedly with livestock nearby and a brazen prime minister cavorting through a wheat field. But I was wrong. If you look very closely, you'll see that it's actually a very cheap backdrop behind the diary room chair. Sarah (from Girls Aloud) is sitting in a small room. It's an optical illusion. The field doesn't exist. It's unlikely you're following this information, so I'll explain it as simply as I can. Background = fake. Not real. It's an image. The diary room isn't in a field at all. Your eyes are deceiving you. What we're looking at is a printed image that Sarah is sitting in front of. Such sport! What more can they possibly throw at us this series? The twists and turns are already overwhelming.   3. Derek Acorah already knows who's going to win and nobody is calling him out on it It's not really being covered in the media at the moment, but I suspect that's about to change. Derek Acorah, much to the nation's delight, is a contestant on this year's show. Seems fair enough, everyone stands a fair chance of winning, right? Wrong. Derek is a spiritual medium, he liaises with spirits to find out information about the past, present and future. With that said, he already knows how this series is going to pan out and that gives him an unfair advantage. Derek's spirit guide, a 2000-year-old Ethiopian man named Sam, has also been brought into the house. He's constantly in Derek's ear, telling him who's a c**t and who will go on to become the official spokesperson for dog worming tablets upon leaving the house. Derek will know if he's not getting the votes, so can ham up his act to sway the general public in his direction. It's a pretty obscene breach of the rules and something needs to be done before the integrity of Celebrity Big Brother is damaged beyond repair.   4. A girl that wasn't in Girls Aloud sang a Girls Aloud song better than a girl that was in Girls Aloud https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wW36kVyeEk0 Someone decided that it would be a good idea for the housemates to run a talent contest on their second night in the Celebrity Big Brother house, which is a great way for the viewers to get a better understanding as to who these people actually are. First up was Sarah from Girls Aloud, and another girl called Amelia who isn't in Girls Aloud, but is also a singer. Research has informed me that she was on X Factor, so has probably been exposed to Sinitta at some point and therefore deserves a lot of care and support. It was overall a deeply uncomfortable affair for all involved. Both tried to subtly outsing the other, with the result being a series of wails and yelps only audible by dogs under the age of 14 in the southern hemisphere. I wondered would anyone enjoy such a spectacle, then fantasised about the remaining members of Girls Aloud sat at home on one singular couch playing Mario Kart on the Nintendo DS with CBB on in the background, enjoying every last second of this shit, Cheryl and Nadine in particular.   5. Contacting spirits is a load of shite For Derek's portion of the talent contest, he decided to summon a spirit. The entire premise of his act was really confusing, which I firmly believe to be the main selling point of his trade. Karthik was his special assistant, who channelled the spirit of Jonathan, a 52-year-old who hadn't a huge amount going on on the evening in question, evidently. Karthik began to scribble, which resulted in the image above, or "a face", as he identified it as. Obviously, clearly, blatantly a face. I've seen faces look less like faces than that image does. Superb. Definitely a face. Then Derek drew our attention to a penny he had placed on the table below the paper Karthik was scribbling on. Allegedly, the penny had moved out of the circle initially drawn around it, which is truly astounding when you consider that a clipboard of paper had been resting on it, then strategically lifted up by Derek. Rather than calling bullshit on this entire spectacle, Karthik indulged it all, saying he felt a heaviness in his heart and some tingling on his forehead. Perhaps the tingling is your body's reaction to bullshit, Karthik. Sorry, but contacting spirits is a myth unless you are ringing the Bacardi hotline.   6. Barry from Eastenders doesn't understand how CBB works In what is sure to stand out as the most awkward moment of the episode and potentially the series, Barry took it upon himself to visit the diary room (with notes). He informed Big Brother that he had "only popped up for a bit of banter really, you can use it or not", then proceeded to look at his reference notes of quirky observations he had made during the talent show earlier. Just to reiterate, Shaun aka Barry off Eastenders, wrote some jokes about the talent show during the talent show, then arrived in the diary room to read those jokes seemingly off the cuff to get more airtime. He launched into presenter mode with "So there you go, that was the talent show", but then stumbled over his own writing and had to halt proceedings for a quick consultation of the script. The man prepared a script for a diary room chat. Barry off Eastenders is scripting his conversations for Big Brother. The man is self-producing. Even with preparation on his side, Barry's jokes were still shit, he said "I got roasted, in fact I think I got spit roasted metaphorically by Marissa and Brandi, so hopefully I won't get whacked". If anyone can figure out the joke part of that statement, please don't hesitate to get in touch via any means possible because I need to understand what is going on here.

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Images via Channel 5