How to nail your Love Island application form

The first day of the rest of your life starts today

Given that the series ended exactly one week and one day ago, it's likely that your mind has been exploring other areas in the time that has passed. Areas such as climate change, the corruption in American politics and most importantly, how to nail your Love Island application form so that you can take part in the show next year. With any application form, you really want to wow the readers. The main aim here is to get them to think 'We must have this person on the show. Our lives and the lives of humanity at large will not be worth living unless this wonderful specimen takes part in Love Island next year'. Relax. I'm here to help. Let's get that form filled in.

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Video The main takeaway from this section is that you shouldn't use a filter. Got it? Great. I recommend beginning the video with a quick joke to break the ice. Something like:

"Love Island? More like DOVE Island" *releases two doves into the sky*

It's simple, effective and will immediately grab the viewer's attention. Speaking from personal experience, it's a good idea to ensure that there's no power lines overhead in the area you choose to film this part of the video. Really can't stress that point enough. Next, you need to tell them why you think you'd be "a great islander". Key word: GREAT. You've got 60 seconds to convince a bunch of strangers of your greatness. Don't panic. Some of the greatest Vines of our generation were 6 seconds long, so you've got ten times that amount. Here's a script I've drafted. Don't just copy it word for word. Adapt it and make it your own. Perhaps add some colloquialisms such as 'Mate' or 'innit'. Whatever feels right.

"Hello. Welcome to my Love Island application form - video portion. It's important to state that no doves were harmed in the making of the intro you've just watched *pause for laughter*. Did you know that doves are basically pigeons? They're smaller and have slightly longer tails, but other than that, basically the same. Did you know that doves mate for life? I guess we have that in common, doves and I. In terms of what I can bring to Love Island, I have written a short poem: Please let me go into the Love Island villa, Or else my soul will be blacker than Cilla, If I was an animal I would be a chinchilla, I'll mend the Love Island plot cracks better than polyfilla. Without me, the series would be insufferably boring, To the delight of my fellow islanders, I won't be doing any snoring, Your views, should you cast me, are guaranteed to be soaring, Upon winning the series and stealing the hearts of the nation, my exes' calls I'll be ignoring. Pick me for the show - it's a total no-brainer, I've been working out loads and every night wearing my retainer, I deserve love and promise to make my personality a little less lamer, I promise, when I find love, it won't end in a messy divorce like Kramer vs Kramer. [END VIDEO]

  Relationship Status No fooling around here, you need to tick 'Yes'. Whether you're actually single or not is irrelevant. They have to ask this question and you have to give that answer. Don't try to be funny. This is a life or death situation. Take this seriously or stop reading. Thank you. Tell the truth here, sunshine. Type through the tears. Even if your answer is 'All my life lol', that's character building. Also, it means you're a goldmine because there's obviously something deeply wrong with you. Either way, that's prime television content and they're not going to pass up on the opportunity of having another lunatic in the villa.   Dating Profile 50 words is insufficient, but rules are rules. If you're going to be on Love Island, you're going to have to obey the producers' orders and play the game their way. It might not be fair, but that's show business, baby. Now, let's get your personality across in 50 words. Again, I'm providing a perfect draft here, but you should reword it, add your own quirks and maybe even add a typo or two for conviction. You don't want any suspicions to arise.

"I am going to murder one person every 20 minutes until I receive confirmation that I will be on Love Island 2019. These murders will be random and continue until such time as I am guaranteed a spot in next year's competition. I will not stop until I sign a contract."

Okay, you've caught me. I went slightly over the limit of 50 words, clocking in at a confident 51. They'll respect that kind of power move. It shows that I'm on board with bending the rules slightly, but not to an extent where everything goes into disarray. Fool around with the text, find your own voice and give it a go. Speaking from experience, you can expect to receive a phone call from the team very shortly after submitting your application :)   Bonus Info Because this isn't a mandatory question, many people (the weaker applicants) will ignore it. Between you and me, that's what's going to cost them a place on Love Island 2019. But you're smart, so you'll be answering this question to full effect. Look at that, they haven't even given a word limit. Check the calendar, every day is an orgasming December 25th because all your Christmases have come at once. Simply paste the following list into the box:

• I am a strong swimmer
• I legally have to declare that I have been accused but not convicted of four mild offences
• Statistically, someone reading this was in the Sugababes
• My favourite colour is red, orange is in second place and blue and green are tied for third
• 9/11 was an inside job
• Nicki Minaj is afraid of heights
• Cheese sometimes gives me an upset tummy
• Armadillo shells are bulletproof
• I am very good at shouting 'I got a text' when I get a text
• Romans used to clean and whiten their teeth with urine
• A personality quiz once told me that I was a good friend
• There's only 96 calories in a caramel Freddo
• I will not let the post Love Island fame go to my head
• The inventor of the frisbee was cremated into a frisbee when he died
• Blue whales eat half a million calories in one mouthful (same lol)

  Again, I cannot stress enough, you must put your own touch on some of the answers, just so we don't all have the exact same form being submitted. You can fill in your Love Island application form here. Stick to the ironclad plan laid out above and you're onto a winner. See you in the villa, champ.