Game of Thrones reviewed by someone that’s never seen Game of Thrones before

Game of Thrones, am I right?

Confession time: I have never seen Game of Thrones before. Everyone keeps talking about it. I understand it is very good. I realise that I should be watching the show, but it feels like an insurmountable task for me to catch up with seven series, totalling 67 episodes, so instead I will continue to rewatch The U.S. Office, 201 episodes, until the end of time. What I am prepared to do, at the very most, is watch one single episode of Game of Thrones and then document my thoughts for journalism. So, a concise eight years after the very first episode aired, I have finally decided to dip my toes into the GOT pool, starting with series one, episode one. Behold, my learnings.

---

Some men are traveling through a tunnel on horseback, using torches comprised of sticks of wood that are partially on fire. Observation: Transport horses must be mad as hell when they learn that some horses don't have jobs. It's snowing, therefore we must conclude that the show is taking place somewhere very cold, such as Antarctica, Russia, Alaska or the Roseanne cast's group chat. There's loads of scattered body parts strews across the snow. It's very obvious what is happening here. The snowmen have finally decided to fight back. One of the guys looks like young Matt Damon, if young Matt Damon listened to Oasis and got his haircuts done by a toddler who was born without sight, opposable thumbs, or any familiarity with what hair is. Young Matt Damon, spoiler alert, has been killed by a Dementor. Everyone is scared and they are running away from the sound of a pig aggressively chomping its way through an apple. A man is beheaded. Fade to black. These games (of thrones) appear to have begun. Observation: The theme song absolutely slaps. The snow has cleared. The Bodyguard watches on as a child does some archery poorly. The women are doing tapestry. Everyone is pale with hair curled to varying degrees. It feels like the courtyard they're gathered in smells of firewood, stale horse piss and feet. A wife pleads with her husband that their ten-year-old stays home, but the Dad replies "He won't be a boy forever.... and winter is coming". Finally, the GOT merchandise I've been seeing for many years makes sense. Winter is coming, and furthermore, a ten-year-old won't be a boy forever. Observation: Cloaks are a very underrated garment and we, as a society, should at least consider the possibility of reintroducing them into our winter wardrobes. Their insulating properties are undeniable and above all else, they look cool as hell. Cool cool cool. A guy is getting beheaded with a sword. It becomes clear why the Mum wanted her 10-year-old to stay home now. The kid seems fine about it. Chillingly fine. It is safe to conclude that he will be a future beheader. Puppies! There are puppies now. They have tapped into a very obvious but effective market here. The puppy fanatics! Everyone gets a puppy, even the sad guy. We move to a new location now. This place is fancy. Someone appears to be dead and sporting the non-specific-year DIY equivalent of googly eyes. Are this handsome brother and sister double act flirting with each other? It feels a bit like they are flirting with each other. A common scene in any era, a man is now tenderly wiping his comically large sword with a cloth whilst sat pensively beside a lake. Perhaps there is some stubborn beheading juice stains upon it that he must buff out. These men are far too cordial to the guy that cuts their hair and shaves their faces in such a way that they all look like before pictures on an extreme makeover show. It emerges that the ten-year-old boy is allowed to watch a beheading but he's not allowed to climb walls. So the parenting level is still about the same as the present day? Some new people have arrived into the commune. A small blonde boy and a tall ginger girl are flirting with their eyes. I suspect a storyline is brewing. What colour hair will their children have? Ne'er mind, for winter, as we have learned, is indeed coming. Peter Dinklage is getting a good seeing to, even with bleach blonde hair. Yes sir. Get yours. Oh, okay, it has transpired that he is in a "whore house". Still counts, though. A brother strips his sister of her garments, then tenderly fondles her breast. There is a strong theme recurring and it is incest. Everyone wants to fuck everyone. There's another tender moment between this brother and sister, where he informs her that he would allow an entire tribe, all 40,000 men and their horses to fuck her if it meant that they could return home. If this was filmed with a live audience, they would 'awww' at this point. So far we have been introduced to 6,000 characters and I remember precisely zero of their names. Of the names that I have heard so far, none of them were normal and therefore impossible to retain. The show could use some work, is what I am saying. "Have you bled yet?" is a baller way to start a conversation with a 13-year-old. It is also disgusting and weird. Upon describing a rather rotund man, the wife of an important guy says "He only stops eating when it's time for a drink" and truly it is one of the sickest burns I have heard in quite some time. Observation: Any one of us could put 'extra on Game of Thrones' on our CV and it would pretty much be impossible to prove it to be a lie. Jason! Momoa! Is! Taller! Than! A! Horse! If your bride is crying on her wedding night as you are undressing her, it might be a good idea to pause things for a second and check in to see if everything is alright. Just a thought. As far as weddings go, having attendees fight to the death for the chance of getting to grind up against a scantily-clad lady is definitely something different to provide in terms of the entertainment options. This young boy is a rule-breaker. His parents made it very clear that witnessing beheadings is absolutely fine, but climbing walls is strictly forbidden. He just got a puppy and yet he continues to disobey authority. We have got a full-time mad bastard on our hands. OH MY GOD THE BROTHER AND SISTER ARE FUCKING!!! This is very likely why his mother wanted to protect her son from seeing things before he's old enough. Many of us can go our entire lives without being ready to see a brother and sister going at it like a rabbit bothering with a balloon. OH MY GOD HE JUST PUSHED THE KID OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE HE FOUND HIM FUCKING HIS SISTER. This show is bananas. I hate it. I love it. I never want to watch it again. I will probably just do another episode or two. I need to know what happened to the boy. Does anyone find out that the brother and sister are actively fucking? Aren't they twins? Does that make it better or worse? Are the puppies okay?