Weekly SOAL: Why chocolatey treats are for the many, not the few under Prime Minister Corbyn

ROGER RAREBIT

It seems that for many of us, the realities of Brexit are still unfolding and Roger Helmer - erstwhile UKIP MEP and noted Brexiteer - is no different. So what was it that finally gave Roger his Brexit epiphany? Was it the alarming impact reports that have finally been released by the Government? No, it was in fact the threat to our whisky and pasties, with the former MEP tweeting this week, “I am profoundly supportive of the transatlantic alliance and of a future US/UK trade deal. But American “Scotch” Whisky and American “Cornish” pasties are a step too far. They would amount to deliberate misrepresentation.” https://twitter.com/RogerHelmerMEP/status/970549906858545153 Helmer, previously accused of misrepresenting his whereabouts to his wife, was reacting to the news that the US are lobbying to allow supermarkets to import US copies of much-loved British brands after the UK leaves the EU. Currently, said brands and products, including Cornish pasties, Melton Mowbray pies, and Cumberland sausages, are protected under EU law. Known as Geographical Indications, protected statuses have been granted to thousands of products across the EU. The US has always opposed these regulations, and sees Brexit as an opportunity begin importing their own versions to UK stores. Helmer, who was once forced to deny he was terrified of solar eclipses, had been expected to celebrate the news as it signals an end to the bureaucratic nightmare of EU rules and regulations and an opening up of the market. Surely there’s a rational explanation to this, otherwise it’d look like Helmer and others like him didn’t fully understand what they were voting for. It’s time we saw these Brexiteers respect the will of the people and get behind Brexit. We could take it a step further. Might I propose a TV special, airing on prime time ITV, starring Helmer and other leading figures of Brexit such as Daniel Hannan, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Kate Hoey and Nigel Farage. In order to show how successful Brexit is, contestants would be forced to take part in a series of tasks including eating US imports of British classics, and chlorinated chicken. They would then have to look into the camera, give a thumbs up, and tell the audience at home how the imports are better than the real thing and how glad they are that we’re finally free from the tyrannical grip of EU protected statuses for British products. Ant and Dec would host. Roger, you chose this. This is on you. Now own it. Eat the pasty, Roger. EAT IT.

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FREDD-OH! JEREMY CORBYN!

Like the Berlin Wall before it, the price of Freddoes is coming down. As of this week, the cost of a Freddo bar has fallen 5p to 25p. The fall in price, makers Cadbury has said, will not affect the ingredients nor the 18g weight of the bars. A similar price reduction has also taken affect for Chomps, Fudges and Buttons. Cadbury explained that the price cuts come after a review, adding, “We know that value matters to people and price is hugely important for consumers. Following a full review of our Cadbury Dairy Milk Freddo product portfolio we have found a way to reduce the PMP of Cadbury Dairy Milk Freddo back to 25p and are happy to have been able to pass this saving on to customers.” The announcement comes less than a month after Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn announced that he wanted to see the price of Freddos lowered. During an interview with Copa 90, presenter David Vujanic asked Corbyn whether he thought there was a secret Freddo tax that we didn’t know about. “I think there is a very obvious motive: those that make Freddos know it’s apopular, so they’re making a bit more money,” Corbyn explained. “I think we need to examine this question in some detail and see if there is excessive profit-making by those who make Freddos – then they’ve got us to answer to.” And answer they have. Next up for PM Corbyn: somehow making housing cheaper by calling for it in an interview, and then sorting Brexit.

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NO NUKES IS GOOD NUKES

South Korea has this week announced an unprecedented meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. It is to be the first ever meeting between a sitting US president and a North Korean leader. The news comes after a recent thaw in rhetoric between the US, North Korea and South Korea, and shortly after a successful Winter Olympics attended by athletes and delegates from all three nations. It’s thought that discussions will centre upon the denuclearisation of the rogue state with the megalomaniacal leader. However, many are doubtful that Donald Trump will to agree to give up the United States’ arsenal of nuclear weapons.

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