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Published 11:15 20 Oct 2018 BST
Updated 16:02 20 Oct 2018 BST
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Now as much as the shape of Javid's head actually resembles a literal coconut that I'd never tire of shying rubber balls at, it is deeply problematic to refer to him as the palm tree drupe. Call him a nefarious little shit-stain all you want - that's fine! An evil morally-corrupt fuckwit? Be my guest! Just not a 'coconut'.
Javid is many things. He is vital living evidence that we are still evolving as a species, so slippery and circular is his head and thus perfect for diving into the arseholes of white superiors. Indeed if there was a Caucasian human centipede assembled, he could slide from last anus to first mouth like it was a fucking luge.
Javid is such a token that racists wish they could still collect him from the side of marmalade jars and then send off for a Sajid doll. He is so self-hating that the Met Police have been forced to take the unprecedented step of removing all reflective surfaces from his home because he kept calling them in a panicked state.
Javid is so desperate to be accepted by his white peers that he daren't watch the snooker in polite company because he gets a chubby every time the white ball kisses the brown. And it's true he once got into a fight at school because someone said he was an exact replica of Morph and he wanted to be the white friend Chas.
Sajid Javid is all these things and more, but please don't call him a 'coconut'. Suggesting he is white on the inside is deeply problematic because it suggests that all white people hate Asians as much as he does, and that's simply not fair.Reform by-election candidate claimed women ‘can’t drive’ and get abortions for ‘vanity purposes’
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